Dear anxiety,
We first met when I was a little girl. Often consumed with worry, I'd wring my hands and pinch the skin on my knuckles til they were red. You met me in times I should have been carefree, and brought fear instead. You instilled perfectionism and pressure in me that was too much for a little girl. My little mind worried too much, and my little hands were always restless. I carried you with me throughout my teenage years, and let you start to overtake me around the age of 15. That perfectionism still drove me, and I put relentless pressure on myself. Get the best grades. Study the most. Work the hardest. Don't speak up for yourself. Don't be too much. Make everybody happy. Make everybody think you've got it all together. Eat the healthiest foods. Work out more and more. Weigh less and less. I didn't recognize you for what you were at that time, anxiety. My knuckles were still often red, and my hands still restless. Irrational fears would run repetitively through my mind, and worry was my baseline. You told me I was never good enough, and I believed it. Later, life got chaotic. Pain and loss hit me hard, and you put down roots. You told me you were keeping me safe. I isolated myself from friends and many situations. You took away my silliness. Instead, you gave me a worried mind and a guarded heart. You made me believe I should always be tense, always ready for the worst, just in case. Early in college, you brought my first panic attack. The pressures of college and beginning nursing school made you thrive. I isolated more, and studied harder. I kept my guard up, and let you be my decision maker. You made "no" my go-to word. Worry was still my constant companion. My comfort zone got smaller and smaller. You still had me believing that I was never good enough. But that first panic attack was a wake up call. It was the first time I recognized how toxic you were. Slowly, I began to see through you. A counselor came into my life who helped me process and showed me that I could challenge you. I let go of the anxiety-driven need to control my weight, and felt freedom. I let go of the pressure to always have perfect grades, and felt freedom. I stopped pretending like I was perfectly put together all the time, and felt freedom. I said yes to a new experience, even though I felt you pulling me back, and felt freedom. And that freedom was sweet. New friends came into my life, who reminded me how to be adventurous and have fun. New experiences happened that showed me I could be brave, and I could say yes. I learned to voice those worries through prayer. The Lord began to meet me in those moments of fear, and speak truth over it. I challenged you..and little by little..I learned that I am stronger than you. Anxiety, you are a liar. I see through you now. I know that I am enough, and I've let your lies about perfectionism go. Of course, I know you'll still stick around. You've been with me for a long time, but things are different now. I know you'll make appearances, but now I know how to push past you. You'll still speak up in some situations, but now I know that I can tune you out. You don't make my decisions for me anymore, and that feels free indeed. I remember the first time I told you no, in a really big way. I said yes to a mission trip, and stepped onto a plane with people I barely knew. You fought that big time, and your voice was loud. But I'll never forget how free I felt, sitting on that plane as the sun was rising, knowing you did not win. And that trip turned out to be one of the most beautiful and adventurous experiences of my life. I've seen the beauty of letting people in, and you can have your isolation back. I'm no longer living in expectation of the worst. I know that there is beauty in every day. I've got my silliness back, and it's too good to let go of again. I say yes a lot more now, and you can have your no back. I'm trying new things and seeking out joy. You don't win anymore. So farewell, anxiety. I'm taking my brave back.
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Hey there, I'm Courtney.
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